Airpods in, volume up, and phone in my hand. The album titled “The Life Of A Showgirl” by Taylor Swift glistened on my screen. I tapped the play button as the timer struck zero on Oct 3, and music drowned my ears.

The first song that infiltrated my ears, “The Fate of Ophelia,” wasn’t bad…but it wasn’t good. You have to be a Swiftie to understand how underwhelming this song was, especially the bridge, because it was lyrically and instrumentally weak. Since it is named after William Shakespeare’s Ophelia from Hamlet, I expected references to her fate; She drowned after going mad. However, the lyrics didn’t even allude to anything more than Ophelia’s name in the chorus.

The next song, “Elizabeth Taylor,” based on the American actress from the 1920s, hit like a brick. This song fails to deliver its message– It is impossible to stay relevant and lovable in Hollywood — because of the lyricism that could’ve been written by a 10-year-old. “Been number one, but I never had two,” is such a fruitless way to portray fame.

After a rocky start, I was pleasantly surprised by the upbeat melody and cute imagery in “Opalite.” In this song, Taylor gave us her pop genre back, reminiscent of her 2019 album “Lover.” It is undoubtedly a love song for Swift’s fiancé, football player Travis Kelce, and it delivers that message nicely.

With those songs out of the way, the rest of the album is lyrically awful. “Father Figure” is a great example of this. The song reminds me of Swift’s song “The Man” from her “Lover” album; If only it were good like that one. Maybe this is controversial, but I don’t enjoy Taylor talking about male genitalia or substances after hearing the cute “Opalite.”

Taylor Swift is known for being a crafted lyricist, with lines like “I made you my temple, my mural, my sky. Now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life,” and “Our field of dreams engulfed fire. Your arson’s match, your somber eyes. And I’ll still see it, until I die. You’re the loss of my life.” So when I heard “But I’m not a bad b*tch and this isn’t savage” in “Eldest Daughter,” I think you can imagine how I felt.

The only song that truly deserves an exception from my opinion is “Ruin the Friendship” because it was written about a man, Jeff Lang, who passed away two years after Swift graduated high school. She sings a melancholious ballad about her regrets with their relationship and the lifelong impact it has on her. Speaking of songs about people, the next track, “Actually Romantic,” is rumored to address singer Charli XCX (Off-stage name Charlotte Emma Aitchison). Swift never had to make this song. It utterly shocked me how she pointed out Charli XCX’s substance struggles, as well as comparing both of their relationships with the singer Matty Healy. The entire song was unnecessary and immature. If Swift really had an issue, the mature thing to do would be to message Charli XCX and address her discrepancies.

Now we reach the hardest part of this album… “Wi$h Li$t,” the ignorant song where Swift brags some more about her fiancé. She sings about other rich people who dream of vacations and luxury, contrasting with her only wish–to be with Kelce. Out of touch, much? Swift is a billionaire with a couple of houses and a huge production team, yet she would ditch it all for Kelce? I’ll believe it when I see it. Guess what the theme of the next song, “Wood,” is…I bet you guessed her fiancé again. I really disliked this song because it has no depth and is boring. It’s a skip, next!

The most anticipated song on this album was definitely “CANCELLED!” because of its title. Yet, as one may guess, it was anticlimactic. It truly shows how Swift is still a millennial for her overconfidence in songwriting here. “Good thing I like my friends cancelled.”…it’s not even about Swift being cancelled, rather it’s about her friends who do unfavorable things. This had so much potential. Okay, maybe the next song can bring us an upbeat boost. “Honey” sounds cute, right? Wrong again. The instrumentals fail to grasp a memorable chorus, and the storytelling falls short of a message besides the fact that Swift enjoys being called “honey.” I wish Swift had taken her time with this song and produced a melodic tune, instead of whatever this skip-song was.

The closing song and title of the album, “The Life Of A Showgirl,” matched the rest of this album. The lyrics vaguely referenced theatrical traditions, like bouquets of flowers and frilly costumes. This song was saved by Sabrina Carpenter‘s feature. Carpenter’s vocal range displayed a feminine touch to the chorus, unfortunately outshining Swift.

It hurts my soul to listen to this album. It feels like a quick cash-grab so Swift can afford her wedding. The vocal range is boring, the melodies aren’t catchy, and the lyrics sound like ChatGPT. As it pains me to do so, I rate this album a 2/5.