Everything was so hyped leading up to the premiere: multiple booming  trailers, ads jammed together on TV and online, and even an exclusive ten minute scene courtesy of Disney.  And now I see that it was #2 at the box office…how could this be? So I rushed to go watch it, and I did not enjoy what I saw.

The movie opens to a voice hinting at the possibility of life on Mars. It begins with a scene set in 1881, where John Carter (Taylor Hitsch) has mysteriously died. His nephew arrives to settle his affairs and is given Carter’s journal, which contains his secrets. Flashback to 1868 Arizona, Carter is a Civil War Confederate veteran seeking a cave of gold. He is collared by Union soldiers who want to use his expertise as a cavalryman to defeat the native Apaches. After a few failed attempts, he escapes and finds a cave of gold! And then whoop-de-doo, he finds himself inexplicably transported to Mars.

While there, he discovers that the difference in gravity on Mars allows him superhuman abilities like strength and giant Wolverine-like leaps and punches. He meets the planet’s inhabitants: the Green Martians, insect-like creatures known as Tharks; the Red Martians, completely human-looking but with a nice Jersey Shore tan; and the White Martians, or Therns, pale-skinned humanoids who can apparently shape-shift. Each of the races wants John Carter for themselves, he agrees to stay for one reason only: love at first sight. Why would someone who just materialized onto another planet immediately offer himself up for battle? Duh, it’s for a girl.

This girl happens to be the Red Martian Princess of Helium, Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins). A skilled warrior, she and Carter fall for each other right away and yada yada yada.

This movie had all the makings of an action movie: a striking star who couldn’t keep his shirt on, gladiator fights in a giant arena with an even more giant ape, and Willem Defoe. Yay, he gets to play the Green Goblin twice! But honestly, there was nothing original here. Yes, it was adapted from the 1920’s pulp fiction series “Barsoom”, but it looked like they took pages from “Star Wars: Ep II”, “X-Men”, and “Dark Knight”. Hitsch, the “Friday Night Lights” album, spent the entire movie talking in a monotone, not-humanly-husky voice. Any minute now, I thought, he’s going to say, “I’m Batman!” Collins was actually good as the warrior princess, as she managed to make her into the movie’s best character.

“John Carter” was part of a collective series called “Barsoom” by Edgar Rice Boroughs, who also wrote the extensive “Tarzan” series. The “Barsoom” series emerged in the 1910s, and the character of John Carter character was added in 1964. Before science fiction as we know it came around hit franchises like Star Trek, Star Wars, and Doctor Who, outer-space science fiction came in the form of H. G. Wells’ outdated “The War of the Worlds”.

When Boroughs started publishing his “Barsoom” pulp, he used the then cutting-edge concept of extraterrestrial life on Mars. “John Carter” was published before the moon landing. Nowadays, with modern science achieving space travel only fairly recently, these kinds of stories might seem a bit antiquated. If “John Carter” or “Barsoom” was made into a movie closer to the time of “The Six Million Dollar Man,” it would definitely be a bigger success.

I’ll admit, it was fun as some points, like when Carter won his ape battle and got himself covered in blue goo, and when the head Thark proudly proclaimed that Carter was ugly but beautiful. But mostly it was really confusing. For instance, these were highly advanced aliens with teleporting capabilites and spaceships that could take on the USS Enterprise, but they used old world weapons like swords. Didn’t Indiana Jones already teach us not to bring a sword to a gunfight? But I guess it’s okay, since they all brought swords.

In short, it was junk. A sequel is imminent, of course, so we’’ll see how that goes. This is the type of movie you watch to kill a couple hours, or to get a laugh out, but that’s not what going to the movies is really about; it’s not just getting a gratuitous kick out of yourself. But, hey, if you enjoyed poor movies like “Avatar,” you might actually like this.

John Carter is rated PG-13.