Never in my 16 years have I spotted a lawn gnome in a neighbor’s yard, yet here we have a movie loosely based off of Shakespeare’s tragedy, Romeo and Juliet, centered entirely around these obscure garden ornaments. As I exited the theater, I overheard a pair of nine-year-olds mention that this movie was horrible, and I have to say, I agree wholeheartedly. I realize that I am not the target audience for this movie, but even little kids can see that Gnomeo and Juliet is lacking in any sort of redeeming qualities, save for its somewhat impressive animation.

While the writers of the film may have intended Gnomeo to be a comedy, the theater was noticeably devoid of laughter throughout most of the movie. I’m struggling to remember a genuinely funny moment; that’s not to say these bumbling gnomes didn’t try their hardest to get a chuckle out of me. Sadly, gratuitous sexual innuendos and dry slapstick isn’t quite enough to amuse a small child, let alone a teenager.

I’m not anti-remake, not even anti-gnome, but I don’t quite see the reason behind retelling the tale of Romeo and Juliet with gnomes. Maybe this generation has been spoiled rotten by the stream of generally high-quality animated films coming from Pixar since the mid-90s, but after last year’s brilliant Toy Story 3, I’m surprised the studios behind Gnomeo had the guts to release this ridiculously terrible film. Despite a relatively strong voiceover cast, this movie is dragged down by the sheer idiocy of its premise.

Everyone knows the classic story of those infamously doomed star-crossed lovers except, apparently, the writers of Gnomeo and Juliet. Spoiler alert: they don’t die at the end. That’s right, the doomed-from-the-start couple get married and sing a dreadful showtune, courtesy of Elton John. In addition to the charmless and predictable ending, Gnomeo makes little effort to stay true to the real story and relies mostly on the absurdity of two garden gnomes falling in love (hilarious, right?!), hoping the audience won’t notice how little substance there is to this film.

The animation, however, is somewhat noteworthy; bright and colorful, Gnomeo (I hate writing that awful name) manages to entertain in this sense. Sadly, being visually attractive can’t make up for everything that is just plain wrong with this movie: the plot, the characters, the random pop-culture references, the sexual humor, it’s all wrong. I don’t know who was lounging around their house one day and thought to themselves, “Hey, it would be a killer idea to make a movie based on Romeo and Juliet, but with gnomes,” but they, much like the film itself, were wrong.

Gnomeo and Juliet cannot work up the momentum to capture its audience’s attention. Being a children’s film, we know that the main characters are not going to commit gnome suicide before the credits roll, but I clung to that sliver of hope that they would. Maybe then I would have felt like this movie was worth my time and money, which it was most certainly not. I bite my thumb at all who were involved in the making of this awful “film.”

This movie is rated G.