I knew what I was going into when I went to see the new action-thriller Colombiana. Knowing who the writer was, I expected it to be like Kill Bill or The Professional. It did have the action-y style of Kill Bill and the tearful revenge of The Professional, but it was severely lacking in almost all of its aspects like acting and directing.

The opening montage was too long, alternating between shots of Bogota, Colombia, and surveillance photos of mercenaries. It went on much longer than it needed to, so it got a bit annoying.

Then, we see two men sitting at a small table having a dramatic conversation. The older man, clearly in charge, gives the younger man his blessing to do something, but we don’t know what. After some more dramatic gratitude, El Jefe orders the man to be followed home and killed. The younger man, we find out, has a wife and child that he rushes home to get them to safety.

His daughter, a little Colombian girl of nine named Cataleya, witnesses the murder of her parents by the spiteful gangster, and following a set of instructions from her father, delivers a dangerous piece of information to the American embassy in return for a one-way ticket to America. She comes to live with her uncle (Cliff Curtis), a small time thug, who takes her under his wing as his daughter. He agrees to teach her how become a killer, but tells her that school always comes first, even when it comes to murder.

Cataleya (Zoe Saldana) grows up to be a fearless and passionate assassin who performs hits for her uncle. Unknown to him, she begins murdering members of the old Colombian mob to send a message to the men who killed her father, leaving a Cataleya orchid as a calling card. She covers her tracks very carefully, not allowing anyone to take pictures of her, hiding her face from cameras, and wearing prosthetic hand covers for fake fingerprints. Her plan to get attention from the men who killed her parents is intercepted by both the FBI and the CIA while she simultaneously tries to keep her life secret from her boyfriend (Michael Vartan).

Saldana contributes nothing to the movie except for crazy gymnastics and a few well-timed tears. Everyone else was either over-dramatic or overly cold. (The opening scene itself, just two men sitting at a table, was so overplayed and Godfather-like.) The only exception is Jordi Mollà, who plays the man who kills Cataleya’s parents. He had a kind of sinister look about him, deceptively sweet, and showing little hints of panic, which were perfect for the role.

The director Olivier Megaton is known for some French films and a few shorts, but he’s not really a big name. He didn’t have much of an impact on the movie; the actors were just saying their lines blandly, and the editing was probably done by a high school student. Despite his reputation of an acclaimed writer and director of movies like Le Femme Nikita, Leon: The Professional, and The Fifth Element, Luc Besson, wrote a pretty typical story. He tends to write action thrillers with a heroine and her scarred childhood; Colombiana was exactly that. This overused storyline could have been acted out and directed so much better than it actually was.

The choreography was amazing to watch, no argument there, and of course the explosions and kills were very thrilling, but that was it.  The fights and stunts in this movie were extremely flashy. From the very elaborate assassination plans to the complexity of how Cataleya fights, Cataleya seems to me more like Spiderman or Batman. Perhaps she resembles McGyver even more, though, because she doesn’t use traditional weapons. When she fights, hand towels and plastic toothbrushes are apparently dangerous, guns are not used the way you would expect them to be, and acrobatics (flips and turns and running off of roofs) are over the top.

When I was watching the previews for Colombiana, I was expecting a little girl who was mentally scarred, but instead she was always cold and calculated.  We see her suddenly stab a man and begin a chase through the roofs of the city when she’s only nine years old.

Overall, although this was a badly planned out movie, it was still loads of fun to watch. I would recommend it if you were looking for a simple way to spend an afternoon, because it is still immensely exciting and satisfying; on the other hand,  if you’re looking for a serious film with some kind of message or something heartfelt, keep looking.

Colombiana is rated PG-13.