At Niles West, love is in the air—but the ever-imposing threat of Valentine’s Day is making some lovebirds want to hold their breaths. This national day where relationship-slaves throw all the spare change they can muster out of their pockets at Hallmark for no other reason than to impress the person they’re already intimate with is leaving many bitter and desperate for an act of God to save them from the judgment of their expectant companions. If you’ve come here to find that act of God for yourself, well, you should probably give the title of this article another look.

On the other hand, if you’re in a suffocating relationship in desperate need of a Hail Mary to save you from committing that painful act of breaking up with your cellmate yourself, or if you’re just a little down in the dumps in your single status this year and in need of a good laugh or two, you’ve come to the right place. Here are the top 12 WORST gifts for you and your partner to make this Valentine’s Day your last, starting with:

#12: Lilies of the Valley

Flowers are always a great fallback for a Valentine’s Day present: they’re inexpensive, pretty, smell great, and make a guy look like a true gentleman when presenting them to his lady. Lilies of the Valley are no exception to this statement either. These flowers consist of multiple stems blooming hundreds of small white blossoms, and even the occasional red berry or two. They are around $87, but as stated earlier, they are quite beautiful, and leaving the price tag on them while gifting only stresses your effort more. So, what could possibly be wrong with giving these as a gift for your partner this Valentine’s Day?

Well, if you’ve seen “Breaking Bad”, you probably already know the answer. These flowers are among one of the most poisonous breeds in the world. Upon consumption of any part of the flower, or red berry, one can experience a wide variety of symptoms, including, but not limited to: migraines, skin rashes, abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, and even possible death. Although it may not be custom for your special girl to start chomping on the flowers you gift her, I’d say it’s just better not to take the risk.

#11: A Piece of Their Clothing, Hair, Etc.

Now, fellas, ladies, unspecified’s—I don’t care how much you’ve obsessed over, watched, or even stalked your significant other, there is NEVER a good time to snitch on yourself. That strand of hair you’ve been saving since she left it on your sweater the first time you two hugged? I don’t think so. That one sock he forgot at your place that he’s been looking for for ages, but you never gave back out of sheer obsession? Pass. That framed picture you took of her sitting at the dinner table, waiting for you to show up on your first date? Well, I think you get the point.

Wrapping up a pair of boxers, a toenail, a toothbrush, or even an old baby picture of your partner is never going to pan out well, and is probably going to yield a reaction less similar to “awww, babe! You’re so cute!” and more like, “awww, babe! All I got you this year is a restraining order!”

#10: A Christmas Tree

‘Tis the season to be…a few seasons too early. Or late. But hey, this time of year is the cheapest evergreen trees get. What’s love worth when compared to frugality, am I right? No, probably not. Oh well. Next!

#9: This Idea:

There’s nothing wrong with planning for the future, but maybe not that far into the future.

#8: Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirts?/Fundies?!

Imagine your significant other approaching you this Valentine’s Day and handing you a pretty large box. You’re kinda psyched that they put so much size, and probably money, into your gift this year, but also kinda stressed that the gift you got them won’t be up to par. Now imagine you open up the box and the first thing you see is this:

That definitely eases the stress factor a bit, huh? This gift may be enough to make your significant other consider whether to return this abomination of all things fashion you just gifted them, or to return you.

Then, of course, there is the much worse, but much more “fun” version of this product: “Fundies.” These are essentially underwear, but—yeah, I’m not even going there.

#7: A Membership To The Association For The Preservation of the Coelacanth

Okay, people, let’s be real. One of the most surefire ways to make your significant other tell you to hit the high road is to give them a gift that has, well, let’s call it subliminal messaging. One of the most common (and least successful) subliminal messaging gifts is the infamous gym membership. Upon gifting your significant other a gym membership, you might as well write them a card to go with it that says: “Hey, sweetheart, you know I love you, and I can definitely handle you, but those love handles are a different story. Here’s a step in the right direction, fatty. XOXO.” Yeah…not a great idea.

But this isn’t about a membership at the gym, guys. This present is about raising awareness for a real issue, and giving your partner a membership that really matters. The Coelacanth is a prehistoric fish that went extinct millions of years ago, end of story…or so we thought. Several turned up on the coast of Africa in the 1930s, and suddenly, this species of fish was no longer deemed to consist of only fossilized relics. The Association For the Preservation of the Coelacanth is an elite society dedicated to saving the lives of the few fish of this species that remain, so we never again have to go back to staring in the eyes of a Coelacanth through the hardened shell of its fossilized remains.

Of course, there’s almost no way your significant other will know any of that, so this gift will certainly make for a pretty good “What?!” moment.

#6: An Allergic Reaction

There comes a time in every relationship where a couple must have the talk. By that, I mean the talk about embarrassing medical conditions, allergies, etc. Unfortunately, most couples don’t engage in this talk soon enough, and it can lead to quite dire consequences.

Just about anything you can get your partner for Valentine’s Day has allergic potential, so be careful. Those roses you bought her might lead to less hugging and kissing and more sneezing and itching. That heart-shaped-box of chocolate sweets you bought him may not be so sweet on his digestive system. And what about that over-sized teddy bear that probably doesn’t fit anywhere but the warehouse it was manufactured in? Arctophobia is a real thing, guys, and if your significant other has a chronic fear of teddy bears like probably ten or eleven other people on this planet, you’re in for a disaster.

#5: Poison Ivy

Just in case things get too touchy-feely between you and your partner, here’s a gift to make them a little more scratchy-itchy. All you have to do is pick out your favorite bouquet of flowers (preferably Lilies of the Valley), go out into your local forest wearing layers on layers covering every trace of open skin on your body, and pick yourself a couple three-leaved demons from the ground to hide within your arrangement of flowers. This present guarantees you won’t see or hear from your partner (unless it’s their cries of pain and suffering) for at least a few days. Vacation time! WOOHOO!!

#4: A Ferrari 250 GTO

Every holiday, people love to go all out to please their loved ones with original and over-the-top presents. Valentine’s Day is probably the least stressful of all of these, as you not only have to give only one person a gift (or zero), but it’s quite custom to gift them something small and insignificant.

A Ferrari 250 GTO is not so small and insignificant. It’s current prices average out around $40 million, so yeah! “I don’t know what to say…” will be an understatement coming from your partner while they stand face to face with $40 million in metal and fossil fuels.

#3: A Bear

Okay, so you’ve weighed all the options in your head: do I buy him/her/undefined flowers, chocolates, or a teddy bear? Because it’s always safe to be unoriginal, right? Wrong. If you’re not with someone that challenges you to surpass your boundaries and social norms every single day of your life, it’s time to find a new partner. Just think about it. Who in their right mind wants an adorable little teddy bear that’s been blown up to a size where it looks like it could eat you alive at any given moment? No one, that’s who. So what’s the alternative?

How about a bear of equal size and proportions that could actually eat you alive at any given moment? That’s right, Niles West, it’s time to go grizzly bear huntin’! All you need is:

• A truck
• A truck driver
• Some Ambien pills
• Some dead fish (NOT COELACANTHS!!!)
• A metal cage

Step 1: Have your chauffeur drive your truck over to a forest near you that you know houses bears, maybe the same forest you got the poison ivy from. Make sure all your supplies are in the back of the truck.

Step 2: Put an Ambien pill in each one of the dead fishes’ mouths, then put the fish in the metal cage.

Step 3: Drag the cage out into the middle of the forest, and wait.

Step 4: Seconds, hours, days, or even months later—it could be next Valentine’s Day by the time this process is finished—an unsuspecting bear should come wandering into your cage, allured by the scent of dead fish. It will then begin eating the fish.

Step 5: Once the bear has ingested enough Ambien to completely put him to sleep, shut the cage, and drag the snoozing bear into your truck. Assuming the bear doesn’t wake up and rip open you and your trucker buddy, bring this cage to your significant other. Continually feed the bear Ambien-infused dead fish to keep it from being too hostile, and ta-da! You’ve broken a social norm. Forget teddy bears, you love your partner so much, you got them the real thing! And the best part about this gift? There’s no refund!

#2: Your heart

There are a lot of ways someone can say “I love you.” However, the most prominent and meaningful of which is most likely, “You have my whole heart!” But now, it’s time to debunk the myth once and for all. You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen, at Niles West News, from staff writer Lucas Rochester. The truth is, 100% of the people who have ever uttered the phrase “You have my whole heart” ARE LIARS!

You see, it isn’t possible for a human being to remain fully functional and alive without a beating heart. That means every time you tell your significant other “You have my whole heart”, you are actively starving the most vital element of all in a relationship: trust. This Valentine’s Day, why not commit to ending the lies of your falsified extents of interpersonal love, and give your partner what you say you’ll give them. It may cost you your life, but hey, the real thing is better than a heart-shaped box of chocolates, right?

Actually, on second thought, the chocolates taste better.

So what could possibly be a worse Valentine’s Day gift than a live grizzly bear, the most expensive car ever to land on the market, or your own heart(Besides your ex’s heart)?

Well, the number one worst Valentine’s Day gift of all time to give to your lover this year is…

#1: NOTHING!

Valentine’s Day is a yearly reminder of what your loved one(s) mean(s) to you, so there’s really nothing worse you can do than to blow it off completely. This year, make it a priority to give your significant other something—ANYTHING—just to remind them how much you care. And if you’re single, praise the Lord, because you were his valentine this year. Either way,  make sure this Valentine’s Day is spent with the people you love, doing the things you love, exchanging the gifts you love.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Niles West!