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Your “Single” Guide to Valentine’s Day

By Ella Ilg, Staff Writer

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Valentine’s Day can be rough if you are in a relationship, with high expectations to meet and hopelessly comparing yourself to cuter couples. It can be even rougher if you aren’t dating. You can’t even go into a McDonald’s for dinner without seeing two eighth graders making out like it’s their last day on earth. Couples are cuddling in the hallways, in the back of class, and you have to hear about what an amazing Valentine’s Day they had on February 15th. If you’re lonely (like me) and all your friends are going to be out on dates, here are some things you can do while single on this dreadful day.

  1. Write a very bitter online post about how you don’t date anyone because all boys/girls are stupid and how Valentine’s Day is a corporate shill of a holiday anyways. Of course, you loved Valentine’s Day last year when you were in a relationship, but now that you’re single you need to make everyone hate the holiday as much as you do. Make sure to include a link to a scary in-depth documentary about the Hallmark corporation.
  2. Create a feminist blog and write a long, cited essay about how it’s the patriarchy that forces you to feel shame. And Valentine’s Day is a sexist creation by the men of the U.S. government to keep women down.
  3. Stalk cute Instagram couples and your ex’s Facebook on anonymous accounts and leave a never-ending sea of annoying comments until they block you. Repeat this until you’ve successfully ruined at least 2 dozen couples’ Valentine’s Day, the number of roses your ex should’ve gotten you last year.
  4. Get one of those 100 dollar teddy bears from Costco because it’s as big as a real person and buying material goods is great at filling that hole in your empty heart. You can cuddle it at night and pretend it’s a living, breathing person that cares about you, but deep down you know- it’s a bear.
  5. Order a huge bouquet of flowers to your homeroom, because your partner who lives in Canada is so sweet that they won’t just send a Crush to your homeroom, they’ll send a two dozen rose bouquet to you. This is a great technique to have your peers think you have a boyfriend, even though you just gave 50 dollars to 1-800-Flowers. You’ll be able to sleep at night because they were 20% off for Valentine’s Day.
  6. Ruin your friends’ dates by texting them and complaining about how you’re single. Why enjoy being young and single when you can complain via text to your friend and completely ruin their date until they put their phone on silent, and proceed write more angry texts about how they aren’t responding.
  7. Shave your head. Maybe the thing that’s been holding you back from the dating market was your boring haircut. Guys and girls seem to love people with crazy haircuts. Ruby Rose & Amber Rose both have shaved heads and they look awesome. Surely it can’t be the fact that they have amazing bone structure and money for facial surgeries; it’s their haircut that makes them beautiful, so you should get one, too.

If you do all of these things collectively it is sure to be the best single Valentine’s Day you’ve ever had.

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