As homecoming creeps sneakily around the corner, students all over Niles West are experiencing feelings of some of the year’s most unrivaled excitement. However, for many female students, this joyous anticipation is coupled with heart-wrenching butterflies as the fear of not being asked to the event becomes more and more real. But what may be an even deadlier anxiety spike is that experienced by the male students, who are currently contemplating exactly how to ask their special girl to homecoming and trying not to think about the daunting possibility of that ever-so-crippling “No.”

In 2010, NWN veteran Rozy Kanjee wrote an article titled, “Top 10 Ways to Ask A Girl To Homecoming.” If you’re a guy looking to win over your potential date to homecoming, be sure to check out this classic article. On the flip side, it’s also a good idea to know what not to do. So, if you’re having a nervous breakdown about potentially feeling the sting of rejection, or just looking for some good comic relief, here’s the top ten WORST ways to ask a girl to homecoming:

#10. The Text

Fellas, if there’s one rule of thumb for asking any girl out to do anything with you besides study for your third period Algebra test, it’s this: DO NOT ASK HER OUT IN A TEXT. No matter how many heart or kissy-face emojis you send her, this will never work. Instead, it will tell her either A: You’re not that interested in her and didn’t even take the time to make a cute poster or at least ask her in person, or B: You’re too shy or nervous to put any real effort into your proposal. And the less effort you put into your proposal, the less effort she has to put into typing two letters back: “NO.”

#9. The Middleman

What might be even worse than not asking your girl out in person is not even being the one to do it at all. Getting your best buddy to ask that special someone to go to homecoming with you is just not cool. If you were planning on doing this — I’m looking at you, freshmen — just be honest with yourself. Would you rather get rejected in person and at least have the security that you actually tried your best, or have Joe Schmoe come laughing in your face during passing period as he announces to the whole hallway that you got rejected? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

#8. The Billboard Chart-Topper

As soon as she sees you approaching her with a guitar in your hand, it is OVER, brother. No matter how sweet it may be to write a song for your girl to ask her to homecoming, it’s also a little creepy. Also, most guys who approach this method aren’t rock stars or R&B singers either, and it’s better not to go outside of yourself. Listening to your voice cracking hysterically over a rough instrumental/bass-line isn’t the most attractive thing in the world.

#7. The Drive-By

On April 16, 2015, a video surfaced on YouTube titled, “Daniel’s Promposal” in which this guy asks his girlfriend to prom and, well…it still brings tears to my eyes to this day. Whether they’re from crying at how much this video makes me cringe or from laughing my face off, it’s hard to tell. In this classic viral video, this dude named Daniel picks up his girlfriend in his car, and after about two minutes of a super awkward conversation between the two of them, as he struggles to back out of the parking lot, he drives off onto the street.

Then, they drive by a series of signs, one after the other, the first saying, “Will,” the next, “You,” then after that, “Marry,” and following that, “LOL,” then “JK,” then “Go,” and “To,” then “Prom,” and “With,” then finally, “Me.” Daniel’s girlfriend reads one sign after the other, before saying how that’s a horrible way to ask someone to prom. Of course, she finds out this was Daniel’s attempt at asking her after he hands her the last sign which is just a question mark, and she breaks down into tears. Fellas, don’t be Daniel. Not only has this been done before, but it’s also a little over-the-top. Also, you definitely don’t want your girl telling you how horrible your attempt at wooing her to homecoming is.

#6. The Threat

This one should be pretty self-explanatory, but not only is bribing a girl unethical, but it’s also just sad. Whether it’s with money, spreading gossip about her, or any other countless forms of harassment, just don’t do it. If she says “no,” she says “no.” Move on with your life. Plenty of guys have been rejected in the past, and even though it’s a little humiliating, it’s not as humiliating as being the guy desperate enough to put some kind of price on a high school event, for heaven’s sake.

#5. The Fruit Cake

The goal for any Homecoming proposal is to make it as sweet as possible, but that doesn’t necessarily mean in the literal sense. Of course, it’s kind of cute to bake a cake for your girl with the phrase “HOCO?” written in pink frosting, but if you don’t want to be so discreet, this proposal may be the one for you! Bake your girl any kind of pastry, preferably a cake. Then write the phrase “HOCO?” on a very small slip of paper and stick your unwashed hand deep into the center of your edible masterpiece, leaving the paper in the middle. Then, use however much frosting and maybe even superglue to stick your now demolished proposal back together in a somewhat presentable state.

Bring it to your girl during her lunch, and make her think you thought it was her birthday or you made the cake in Chef’s class before deciding that you want to go gluten-free. Then, assuming she even wants to put this wreckage of frosting, bread, and maybe even some undercooked egg yolk into her body, wait until she takes a bite into that little surprise piece of paper you left deep in the middle. Then, one of two things will happen. Either, A: She’ll reach into her mouth and pull out that now cake chunk and saliva-covered Homecoming proposal, and her response will probably be just as rejecting as her stomach is to your cake, or B: She won’t notice that she’s even consuming your homecoming proposal, and you might have to wait twenty-four hours or so for your answer.

#4. The Flashing Lights

Hey, guys, just in case rejection isn’t good enough for you, here’s a step by step procedure on how to make your girl never associate herself with anything even remotely related to you ever again! Step one: Head to your local police station and make a bargain with one of the officers. Tell him to write a fake ticket that says “HOCO?” on it and have it ready for your proposal. Step two: Pick up your girl in your mom’s sedan later that day, and tell her you want to take her to the movies. Make sure you have Officer Friendly who for some reason agreed to help some kid get rejected by his crush following behind from a distance the whole way.

Step three: Have Officer Friendly pull you over. Then, when he’s approaching your vehicle, get out of the car and start talking back to him. He’ll make you and your girl get out of the car. After you pretend to freak out and your girl actually freaks out for at least several minutes, Officer Friendly will let you guys off the hook and hand your girl the ticket, or, your proposal. If getting rejected were a felony, you would be stuck in a cell for life.

#3. The Ink 

Some people talk about homecoming as a night they’ll remember the rest of their lives. Use this proposal, and you won’t really have a choice. Go to your local tattoo parlor and get that corny homecoming pun you were going to write on a poster and instead get it tattooed, preferably in very large, provocative letters, on your chest down to your abdomen. Then, next time you see your girl, tear off your shirt in a passionate, powerful manner and watch as your girl becomes the literal definition of the phrase “I don’t know what to say.” Hey, at least it wasn’t a “no.”

#2. The Fire

The upside of this one is that sparks are sure to fly between you and your girl, but more in a literal sense rather than a metaphorical one. All you need is your girl’s house address, a matchbox, and lighter fluid. Wait until it’s dark out, then go over to your girl’s house. Using the lighter fluid, spill out a very large “HOCO?” on her front lawn. Then, call out your girl’s name and wait until she looks out the window or comes outside.

Once she does so, light up a match and drop it on the lighter fluid. Assuming you still have one or two limbs left after this and you even spilled the message on the grass correctly for the rapidly growing fire about to consume your girl’s entire house to even be readable, don’t expect your girl to ever talk to you again. Also, the charges you will undoubtedly face for trespassing and arson aren’t gonna help you land a homecoming date any time soon, or ever, really.

So what could possibly be worse than flashing lights, a permanent tattoo, or act of arson to ask your special girl out to homecoming? Well, the number one, absolute worst way to ask a girl out to homecoming is…

#1. The Back-Out

…not asking her at all! Fellas, if there’s some lady in your life that you want to take out on a special night that you’re only going to have the chance to attend four times in your life, just do it! High school is a fleeting experience, and you don’t want to look back on what could’ve happened. ‘Tis the season, Niles West. Now go ask that special someone to the annual dance, and let’s get our hoco on!